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Saturday, 1 March 2014

How to Get Over the Hurt

When you discover your inner sanctuary, you become like the gentle stream. You keep moving.
My inbox was swamped with comments on my last post on hurting being easier than healing. Most readers said they would love to hear my views on how to get over the hurt. Some had a different view, they didn't think it was possible to avoid getting hurt. One of them wrote:
"Don't you think it's easier said than done (to protect Yourself) from getting hurt from the ones you love? Should you be closed to them as well? Detachment is not a human emotion. It's divine and it cannot be reached by everyone or else we all would be the happiest. And if you are going to let your guards down in front of someone or anyone, you are going to keep getting hurt. And, I feel if you love or are attached to someone too much then no matter how much you try to change or forgive or forget or walk away you can't let go...the hurt keeps coming back..."
There's no question that detachment is an extraordinary trait, it is even divine. Agreed. But, that doesn't make it good enough a reason to drop it. There's also no doubt that we will get hurt, but, that doesn't mean we can't get over it. We truly do hold the keys to our happiness. The question is do you want to improve yourself? If yes, then you need to work on yourself. We can't just continue to hope that things will change without bringing a change in ourselves, in our mindset, in our lifestyle, in our approach.

The question still remains: How to get over the hurt? I would like to cover this answer in two posts. In today's write-up, let me begin with a beautiful story:

Once upon a time, there was a guy. He deeply loved a girl. He dreamed of her all the time. He would send her flowers, give her gifts, say nice things, and express his love. She accepted his gifts, flowers, chocolates and all, but wouldn't give or say anything in return other than a thank you. The boy still didn't lose hope and thought one day his love would win over her, that, one day she would melt and she would reciprocate. He thought the girl did love him, only that she wasn't expressing it yet. It went on a for a while. Nothing changed.

One day, the girl informed him that she was moving out of town. He pleaded with her to not go. The girl, however, said that she had more important things to do.
"Why, what about love? Is it not important? Don't you love me?" the guy said.
"Love? What about it? I never loved you," she said.

The guy got up and left the place. Everyone in the friends and family got concerned about him. They were certain he was broken beyond repair, but there was not a sign of hurt on his face or in his actions. Some thought he was really depressed and was acting cocky to hide his real feelings. A few days passed and he kept on living normally. One day his friends confronted him.
"You must be really sad and heartbroken. We know you are hurt," they said.
"Hurt? Not really. I'm happier than before."
"How can this be? You loved her to bits, whereas she dumped you callously saying she never loved you."
"You see," he said, "I lost someone who never loved me, but she lost someone who loved her deeply. So, tell me, who has actually lost?"

The story above gives us a perspective. And, it's all about the perspective, a viewpoint, how we take what we get, how we look at what life makes us see. We are no one to judge the girl in the story either. Who knows maybe she had another reason she chose to not say. Matters of the heart can't be forced or comprehended, really. Besides, my focus is the guy in the story above, for, he was the one who was supposed to be hurt.

So, what is the learning in the story, you may ask? Here it is: stop looking at yourself as the victim. I know you may not like it but it's the truth. If you are getting hurt because you are in an abusive relationship, in which case we need to deal with it differently, I agree you are the victim. But, in normal relationships, when you choose to ignore what the other person really wants, and when you focus on only your preferences, you automatically set yourself up for great disappointment.

That's not all, though. A long ago I wrote on the karmic account. Nature operates in a wholesome and integrated manner. When you are hurt, you should take a hard look at if you are hurting someone too? They could be your siblings, friends, family members, in-laws, colleagues, anyone. When we hurt someone, it doesn't mean the same person will hurt us back. It simply means that in the immaculate laws of Nature, She will setup someone else to deliver the goods.

I would like to reiterate that this post is about getting hurt in a non-abusive relationship. Abusive relationships, even though common, are anomalies in Nature. They are dealt with differently. I also understand that this is not exactly a motivational post for those who are hurt, but, I do hope you've some food for thought.

In a nutshell, we should examine if we are reasonable with our expectations we have from the other person, and, if we are taking responsibility of the choices we have made, and, if we are hurting anyone else, anyone at all in this creation.

Reflect on the above and act accordingly, and I promise you'll become your own witness to a powerful inner transformation. Your mind will become like the quiet sea, like the blue sky, like the gentle breeze, like the steady stream.

In my next post, I'll share with you a less philosophical approach on how to get over the hurt.
(Image credit: John and Kelley)
Peace.
Swami

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